really this isnt the first post ive had about SC … probably way more than 1001 even …

but first ive actually numbered so whatever XD

After 2 … somewhat years … of forgetting … doubting … making sure … forgetting again … then doubting myself for a second time … then finally able to say i dont love her in a way that i wish to have my soul entangle with her forever anymore …

i can finally say …

i was never nervous around her …

Before when i wanted to talk to her … i would say hi … she would say hi …

how are you ??? good ~~~

then … i wont have more to say …

ive always thought that i was nervous … if i said something she might think about it differently …

i had to choose my words differently … more careful than i had to with everyone else …

so carefully that i had nothing to say … because everything i could think of could come out wrong …

could mean a different thing … everything could have a positive and negative meaning … a ying for every yang

and i was always worried she would think of the negative meaning because it came from me …

but today i could say … its not true …

today i could say i was never nervous … nor did i need to choose my words carefully …

i just had nothing to say …

of course thats not true …

i only feel this way because right now i have no feelings for her …

i love her as a friend and would still protect her with my life … but she is no longer my life …

how can i put this simply and clearly …

when i had feelings for her … i couldnt say anything because i was worried about her …

when i dont have anymore feelings for her … i couldnt say anything because i have nothing to say …

most of the time … people get bored when they have nothing to say … and sooner or later … lose interest …

so what motivation … what magic force drove me to continue have feelings for her even though i had nothing to say …

was it because i loved her … was it because i just wanted her in my life … yes and no … 

today i have nothing to say to her … but yet i still talk to her …

before i would feel bad … the main factor that decided how my day went depended on how she talked to me …

if she took 5 minutes or more to answer a simple question … that was bad day …

if she didnt say good bye when she wanted to stop talking … that was a really bad day …

vice versa …

if she responded … even if very slowly … but our chat lasted longer than 3 hours … that was a good day …

if she reponded with more than one word … that was a good day …

but now …

she no longer needs to respond and i dont care …

when i ask a question … i dont expect a answer …

i no longer care if she responded or responded …

to simply put this … she doesnt matter anymore …

she matters to a point that i wouldnt want to be in a world without her …

but if wouldnt matter if i never talked to her again in my life …